[:parts work example:] • From appx Mar 2022 • • Now doing a 10-15m written dialogue with the inner teen. I’ve just learned who the inner teen is, and so now I have an opportunity to meet with him. • Okay. • Well, let me first explore my associations around teen. This makes me think middle- and high-school. Passion. Intensity. Infatuation. Lack of connection to self. Deep, deep depression. Dissociation; engagement internally. Curiosity and frustration. Passion, again, over conscientiousness (dispassion). A sense of spirituality and larger-than-lifeness of certain things: girls, math, philosophy. Lack of global awareness. • A lot of these attributes I still have now. • And now, let us connect. • Inner teen, you and I have different names. My chosen name became Maynard when going into college. But you are Eli. • Eli, how are you? • No reply. Perhaps he is taken aback by the concept of a self-connection like this. • Eli, my friend, my self, uh... this whole idea of connecting to myself is kinda new to me. Not incredibly new; it’s been bubbling for a new years. But still novel, and still a work-in-progress. I want to connect with you. • I want to know, first: what do you think of my current life? • You still have much of me. You’ve retained a passion for math and truth, and I like that. I see you’re not with Lydia. In fact, your relationship with girls is quite different from mine. But when you fell for Olivia I came out again. Hehe. • It’s true... • What do you think is missing from my life now? • Girl. Well... generally, keep pursuing your passion. But know that one of that is girls. Not really, of course, it’s more like a desire for deep human connection. But for simplicity we can put “girls” as the face of that. • (My brain tells me that this is not, in fact, the inner teen speaking) • Relations with girls are hard for the both of us. There’s shit to figure out. But you’ve been dealing with it by running, pulling back into yourself. Not sure if that’s the appropriate response. • (Brain speaks up again: perhaps we have been running from it, but perhaps it’s been a natural reaction to become more independent after Olivia. We have been happy, generally.) • There’s still a desire for a passionate, connected, committed love there. I have that, you have that, it’s not going away any time soon. • I see that your depression is lessening. The depression has been hard for me, and for you, but “hard” is a shallow descriptor. Somehow, it feels meaningful. Remember speaking with Evan about that? • Yes • Do you find, with a loss of depression, a loss of that meaning? • No. • I’m not sure exactly how to explain my experience. But the best words I can give are this: I did not “remove” anything from myself to lessen this depression; in fact, I would consider the phrase “lessening the depression” to be somewhat misleading as it seems to imply the removal of something. I am simply learning to live as myself more effectively, and everything is following from that. • I think that there’s an underlying factor that is responsible for both my depression and creativity, etc. And I think I did not lose that underlying factor at all, but simply am learning how to best support it, and as a result I am finding myself inclined towards creativity instead of depression. • As a side note. I did LSD, and it brought me a relief from depression, but in that relief I did feel a loss of meaning. I felt like this underlying factor was lost, and so the depression was gone, but also I felt like I was missing something at the very core of my being. • Further side note: I have a new therapist. We’re making way better progress than with Evan. I think partially that’s because I am older and more in touch with myself. For whatever reason, therapy with her actually feels like it does do something, whereas I could never say the same for Evan. Probably circumstances are big too: with Evan I was in high school. Right now I am taking a single class at college, working an average of like one hour a day professionally, and spending the rest of my time trying to explore how to live my life. • Eli, I think you’d be proud of me. Do you remember how scared you were to grow up and become normal and content? I’m still on that vibe—at least partially! • Eli, class is starting back up. I’m sorry to cut you off, if you have anything more to say. But I hope to speak with you later! Goodbye.